


You Were The One

by chocolateghost



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Companion Piece, Dark!Jon, Explicit Language, F/M, Really just very sad, Reconciliation, Stream of Consciousness, Weddings, mention of suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-17
Updated: 2017-11-27
Packaged: 2019-02-03 17:41:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12753069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chocolateghost/pseuds/chocolateghost
Summary: "You can’t believe this is really happening. You never thought this day would come. Sansa Stark is getting married and you aren’t the groom. This should be your wedding. But it’s not. You lost everything."Jon thoughts as he attends Sansa's wedding to another man. And then deals with the fallout.UPDATED CHAPTER 2! LET'S GET THESE TWO KIDS TOGETHER!!!





	1. The Wedding

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jonsatrash](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jonsatrash/gifts).



> Ok, so you are all going to hate me. After I posted part 3 of "Meditations of Two Lovesick Idiots," I had this thought that wouldn't leave my mind. I pictured Jon at a wedding watching Sansa marry another man. I had to write it down. Probably because I am a sad motherfucker who loves angst. 
> 
> Technically I wrote this as a stand alone piece. BUT! If you want to torture yourself, this is pretty much a canon-divergence sequel to "Musings of a Horny Bastard." Ignore Sansa's POV and the happy ending and imagine Jon never grew any balls until it was too late.
> 
> WARNING: Passing thought of suicide!

You thought you could do this, but you can’t. You told yourself you could be happy for her, even if she was with someone else. You lied. You fucking lied and now you’re whole world is crashing down around you.

 

You’re in love with her. Have been for a long time. Longer than you can even remember now. It hurts like hell. But right now you are numb. You try to feel something, but you can’t. It’s almost like you’re watching a movie. Or like you’re paralyzed. What was that you were reading about locked-in syndrome? Can’t move or talk, but fully aware, seeing everything. That’s what it’s like. Except there’s a dream-like haze that surrounds this. Almost like it isn’t real. But you would never be lucky enough for that to be true.

 

Sansa finally found someone. She had been single for so long. And you did nothing. Then all of a sudden she met her knight in shining armor. It happened so fast. You couldn’t even process it. A whirlwind courtship and then a surprise engagement. And what did you do? Nothing. Until it was too late.

 

You didn’t plan on telling her. Thought you might just keep it inside forever. Sansa came alone to the Starks' for Christmas. He was off working valiantly at his job. Very selfless this one. But you couldn’t stand being in that fucking house for another second. Not with her smiling and fawning over the gorgeous diamond ring he gave her. So you put your coat and boots on and took a walk to the woods on the grounds of the estate. You were standing next to the ancient heart tree contemplating your stupid life in the snow, when she walked up beside you. She told you a story about needing some air. Too much happening, too many questions. All very overwhelming. You chuckled bitterly. If she only knew.

 

You turned and looked at her. And it all just came tumbling out. You told her everything. You’ve been love with her for years. You’ve been an idiot. You want her. You need her. You can’t stand the thought of her being with another man. You don’t want her to get married without knowing how you feel about her. You stopped and looked at her for a response.

 

She stood stunned at your confession. Blinking trying to keep tears in check. Her mouth opened and closed, obviously trying to find the words to break your heart. You didn’t let her speak. You closed the gap, wrapped your arms around her waist, and kissed her with everything you had. Poured all of your emotion and love right into her mouth. It was all hers anyway. 

 

And then her lips moved. She kissed you back. Even brought her hands up to run through your hair. It was the single greatest feeling you’ve ever had. But it wasn’t meant to last. You parted and she looked at you and you just fucking knew it was over. 

 

You couldn’t stop the tears falling as she let you down. You couldn’t even look her in the eye. Fucking coward. She cried as she told you she was so sorry. You were her best friend. She had no idea. She didn’t mean to lead you on. She’s so sorry. She loves her fiancé. But she loves you too. She’s so sorry. Finally you looked at her. She kissed you softly on the lips, whispered another apology, and turned to leave. All but ran back to the house. You swore you saw love in those beautiful blue eyes. She fucking kissed you back. It had to mean something. You’ll believe that till your dying day.

 

You collapsed against the heart tree and fell to the ground, a sob wrenched from your soul. Echoed throughout the forest. You have no idea how long you were out there by that tree. It was dark by the time Ned found you and brought you inside. The frozen tears made your cheeks glisten like diamonds. She wasn't there to see them.

 

It was over.

 

You did it. You finally did it. You carved your heart out of your chest and laid it at her feet. She picked it up and ripped it in two and gave it back to you.

 

The wedding crept up on you like some monster from a dream. Your life took a turn for the worse. You barely show up at work. You stopped eating regular meals. You’re losing weight. You drink too much. You can’t sleep. You lay in bed and think only of her. You can’t stand it so you get up and run the city streets. You probably know every fucking corner of this god forsaken city by now. You run until you puke your guts out and are forced to stop because you can’t bring yourself to stop on your own. All you want to do is run. Just run away from everything.

 

You couldn’t believe it when you got an invitation in the mail. Did Sansa truly want you there? After everything you said to her? Why? So you could be humiliated watching her marry another man? Fuck that shit. You crumpled it up and threw it away, but wound up retrieving it later that night. You want to hate her. But you can't. How could she have the fucking audacity to invite you to her fucking wedding? Why was she doing this to you? But you’re a fucking masochist, so you checked yes and mailed it back. Fuck your life.

 

*******

 

And now it’s finally here. The wedding is being held at the Stark estate in the grove of ancient trees on the property. The same place you told her you loved her. You can still see the chalk outline where a part of you died last Christmas. It’s summer. It’s hot. You're wearing a wool suit. It itches. You’re sweating. This is not how it’s supposed to happen. You were supposed to marry her here. You always wanted a winter wedding. Right in front of the heart tree while snowflakes kissed her hair. But that’s all gone to shit now.

 

And the worst part is you can’t even hate him. He’s everything you aren’t. Smart, confident, handsome, well-off. And the nicest fucking person you’ve ever met in your life. He’s so good for Sansa. He listens to her and supports her and makes her laugh. It’s not fucking fair. It should be you.

 

When you arrived you felt eyes on you from everywhere. Friends and family give you sad looks. Everybody knows. Everybody fucking knows. Bran and Rickon try to cheer you up, but they wind up walking away defeated. Robb shakes your hand and bows his head sadly. Cat hugs you with tears in her eyes and thanks you for coming. Ned puts a hand on your shoulder and gives you an understanding look. Arya takes one look at you and jumps into your arms crying. She tells you it’s not fair. It should’ve been you. She wanted you to be her brother. You can only stand there with your arms wrapped around her. You are numb.

 

You sit at the back. You can’t stand to be around anyone else. Not now. Maybe not ever again. You suddenly think, what the fuck am I doing here? I can’t do this. I can't be here. I can’t watch this. You move to get up and leave, but...

 

You see her. And you stay seated. She is fucking radiant. Like an angel sent to save you from your despair. The contrast of the white lacy gown and the glow of her red hair in the light is almost too much to bear. You can almost feel your retinas burning as if you were staring at the sun. You want to look away. Your chest is clenching. Your throat is closing. But you just fucking can’t. This is the last time you’ll ever see her unmarried. Memorize every detail.

 

The ceremony itself was short and sweet. There was a moment you almost said something. You cleared your throat. You almost screamed, “HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? CAN’T YOU SEE YOU’RE KILLING ME. I LOVE YOU! I'LL GIVE YOU THE WORLD! MARRY ME INSTEAD!” But then Sansa locked eyes with you and gave you a small smile. You knew then that you wouldn’t do anything. Just sit and watch while your life crumbles. You stay seated as the ceremony comes to an end. Staring into nothing as the happy couple share a kiss and everyone cheers. Everyone goes into the house for the reception. You stay rooted to that chair. Completely numb.

 

*******

 

Robb comes out to find you and brings you inside. Pouring you a stiff drink he asks you why the hell you came to this? You just sip your drink and shrug. He tells you how sorry he is. Says everyone knew you were in love with her. Says he thought Sansa might’ve had feelings for you too. Tells you he wishes he could have done something. You tell him thanks, but it doesn’t matter. You tried and you lost. It’s over now.

 

You leave Robb to go sit at a table by yourself as you watch people laugh and dance. Sansa is so beautiful. Twirling on the dancefloor looking like a ballerina. Smiling at her husband. You force yourself to look away. You sip your drink and think about your options. You’ve whittled it down to two: killing yourself or moving away.

 

Suicide is one thing. It would all be over. Maybe then she would understand, you think bitterly. Fuck, you are dark. But could you really do that? Just end it? No. No matter how tempting it might sound. You always said you didn’t want to cause her any pain. And she would certainly be devastated. Not to mention the Starks and any other friends you might still have. So that one’s off the table. You wouldn't actually do it anyway. It's just a thought. A stupid thought.

 

So moving away it is. But where? You love The North and you love Winterfell. Can’t imagine living anywhere else. Truth be told you can’t stand the thought of not living in the same place as Sansa. But you don’t want to be here. If you left, you may never see her again. Could you handle that? But if you stayed you’d have to watch her be happy with someone else. They’d probably have kids before long. Do you really think you could watch them grow up, knowing they should have been yours?

 

Physical distance is the only thing that makes sense at this point. Out of sight. Out of mind. Maybe that can work. Speaking of which, why are you still fucking here? Get the fuck out. You’re only torturing yourself. 

 

But as you make your way to leave, she catches your arm. You turn to her and she smiles. She’s amazing. She says she wants to dance with you. You should wrench your arm away and tell her to go fuck herself, but you just nod and let her lead the way to the dance floor. The music is soft, sweet, and somewhat sad. Perfect. She links her hands at the back of your neck as you put yours on her waist. Your skin burns where she is touching you. You think that this might be the last chance you’ll ever have to be this close to her. You’re going to savor this moment. 

 

You sway back and forth and twirl around slowly looking into each other’s eyes. You have so much you want to say, but the words are stuck in your throat. She thanks you for coming. Tells you she’s sorry that your friendship has been strained. She wishes things could have been different. Tells you that she’ll always love you. You close your eyes unable to fight the lone tear that escapes. She brushes it away with her thumb. The song ends. 

 

You open your eyes. She looks so lost. Like she might cry. You give her a sad smile and look into her eyes. Voice breaking, you tell her you love her. You tell her that she was The One. You cup her cheek and kiss her forehead. You look into her eyes once more before turning and leaving. As you reach the door you stop and chance a look back. She’s still standing in the same spot, staring at your retreating form. You lift your hand to wave at her. She does the same.

 

You turn and leave, walking away from the only thing you ever wanted. But she’s not yours. She never will be.

 

You’re not sure how you get home. It’s all a blur. You rip your tie off and open the new bottle of whiskey waiting there for you. It’s the only friend you have left. You drink it all and collapse on your bed, still in your suit. As you drift off to sleep you pray to all the gods, begging them not to let you wake up. You dream of her that night. And it feels like coming home.


	2. Day 558

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On Day 558, Sansa shows up at your door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I'm back! I really loved the original sad ending, but I did want to see these two together. So I had to write another chapter for a happier resolution to the story. It may not be perfect, but I hope it works for you folks.
> 
> Huge thanks to jonsatrash, whom I am gifting this to, for the support and encouragement. She's awesome guys. Seriously.

It's been 557 days. 557 days since she got married. 557 days since the last time you saw Sansa. 557 days of pain and longing.

 

It all seemed like a bad dream. You woke up in your clothes the day after the wedding. Still in your suit. You went to the bathroom and looked at yourself in the mirror. You didn't recognize the man staring back at you. You had to get the fuck out of this place. You couldn't stay here. This is over. She won. You lost. Time to move on.

 

Turns out packing up your entire life was much easier than you thought. The worst part was all the books you had. You used to love to read. Now you’ve lost all joy in reading. You and Sansa used to read the same book. You'd each highlight certain passages and write little notes in the margins. It was fun. It brought you together. The books you’d read seemed to get progressively more romantic. More desperate. Kate Chopin's _The Awakening_ was an interesting one. Sansa claimed she never finished it. She said it was too much. You obviously devoured it. And you understood perfectly. Thinking about it now, it’s even more appropriate for your situation.

 

You run your fingers over the cover and realize what to do. You open the book to the first page and write a small note.

_This will help you stand if you fall. Let it be a comfort to you. All of my love, Jon._

You seal the book in an envelope and mail it to her address. You drop a letter of resignation to your boss while you’re at it.

 

You packed up all of the essentials and put them in your truck. You would send for the furniture and anything else later. You had to get out of this place. You stopped by the Stark’s briefly. Sansa was gone on her honeymoon, so at least you wouldn't have to worry about that. You wished them all well. You told them you couldn't stay here anymore. You were leaving. You weren't sure where. You love them. You’d be in touch. They didn't ask why. They all knew. They asked you if you were going to be ok, clearly concerned for your well-being. You told them you'd be fine. You'd call soon. Hugs, handshakes, and tears were shared. Then you set out on your own. The unknown staring you in the face.

 

You drove and drove still unsure where you wanted to go. You stopped at a roadside diner and bought a map. You surveyed the land and tried to figure out your new life. You decided maybe White Harbor would be nice. You could watch the boats. Breathe in the salty air. Maybe life by the water would do you some good. You didn't think about Sansa the rest of the trip.

 

White Harbor was lovely. Beautiful scenery. Very romantic. You found a decent place to live with a harbor view. That first night alone you thought, I can do this. But as you stood in your empty apartment, in a strange new place, all you could think about was her. You collapsed in a heap and cried yourself to sleep on the floor. 

 

The days turned into weeks, turned into months. You found yourself a job and threw yourself into it. You needed the distraction. But when you weren't working you were lonely. So fucking lonely. You made acquaintances, but no friends. You didn't want to get close to anybody. You weren't ready. 

 

You were just barely surviving when it happened. You had been in White Harbor about six months when the phone calls and the messages started pouring in. Sansa was getting divorced. For the first time in forever, you felt alive. You were practically jumping for joy. But at the same time you felt horrible. Her marriage was ending, her life was turning upside down. You knew she was upset. You wanted to call her. But you didn't. It was her turn. She had to come to you. You gave her your heart and she shredded it. If she wanted to talk to you she would. You waited. The days turned into weeks, into months. She never called. She never messaged.

 

You decided you were done. She didn't want her husband, but she didn't want you either. Didn’t even want to talk to you. So fuck her. You're done waiting for her. You work even harder at your job. You find you actually somewhat enjoy it. You start being more friendly with coworkers and acquaintances. You even find yourself a girl.

 

She's the exact opposite of Sansa. Short and petite. Dark hair. More voluptuous. She'd been trying to get at you for a while. She liked your sad eyes and wanted to make you happy. You almost believed she could. But every time you kissed her; every time you touched her, all you could see was Sansa. You knew then. Knew it meant nothing. You're just trying to drown out the sound of your own heart breaking.

 

And it's not fucking fair. Why should she still have this hold on you? Sansa fucking haunts you. You can't shake the feeling. You can't get rid of her. She is always there in the back of your mind. That missing piece to the puzzle. You are trying to move on. You are trying to give yourself a chance to be happy. Yet you still want her. Fuck her. Fuck it all. Fuck your life.

 

*******

 

On day 558 Sansa shows up at your door. You think you're dreaming. She can't be real. But she is. Seeing her gorgeous face is undoing 557 days of work you’ve done to move on. Suddenly all you want to do is go home. You didn’t even realize how much you’ve been longing for the comfort of Winterfell. It’s all there in her crystal blue eyes. She looks so nervous and unsure of herself. You didn’t think this would happen. Sure you thought maybe you’d see her again one day. But after she failed to come to you sooner, you certainly weren’t expecting this.

 

You can feel yourself trembling and your heart clenching. You realize you’ve both been staring at each other for far too long. As you step aside to allow her in your home, you think about what she could possibly want from you. Do you dare hope for something good? No. You will not get your hopes up. You will not let her hurt you again.

 

You offer her a seat on the couch as you take the chair next to it. She sits in the middle of the couch, crossing her legs. Her eyes are darting around, looking at anything but you. It’s then you realize that you’ve lived hear a year and a half and still never really unpacked. Most of your stuff is still in boxes. You didn’t care at the time. But now as you see her sitting in your apartment, you wish you would have unpacked and made this place look amazing and lived in. You wish it didn’t look everything like the depressed hell hole that it is. You can only imagine what she’s thinking.

 

Finally you break the silence.

 

“Why are you here Sansa?”

 

She still seems hesitant to look at you. But finally she does. 

 

“I’m so sorry Jon.”

 

“Sorry for what? Breaking my heart? Inviting me to the wedding? Humiliating me? Losing your best friend? Never calling me? Please tell me Sansa. I can’t read your mind.” You are starting to get pissed. You are not going to go easy on her.

 

“I’m sorry for all of it. I know there’s probably nothing I can say that can fix things, but I just wanted to talk,” she replies.

 

“Ok then. Talk.”

 

She tells you everything. Everything she says is peppered with apologies. She tells you how she’s had a crush on you for years. She didn’t think you were interested. She thought you might be, but she couldn’t work up the nerve to do anything. She was afraid. Afraid of so many things. She didn’t want to be rejected. She didn’t want to ruin your friendship. She didn’t want to get in a relationship and then maybe one day break up and not have you around anymore. You were too important to her. She says she had seen you with other women, and she knew she didn’t deserve you. You were too good.

 

Then she met him. And she was happy. Or at least she thought she was. She tells you how she got caught up in the romance, having gone so long without it. She didn’t even have time to think. It just happened. It felt right. And then you popped her bubble.

 

She says you caught her off guard completely. Being in that relationship completely blinded her to everything that was happening around her. When you told her your feelings, she had no idea what to do. Once again, she was afraid. She loved him, but she loved you too. She made the choice to go through with the engagement. She thought maybe you were just feeling alone and desperate. Regretful that you never got a chance. She tried to rationalize it all in her head. She said it all made sense. She believed it.

 

She says she agonized over inviting you to wedding. Apparently Catelyn pushed really hard against sending you an invite. Sansa says she wanted you, her best friend, there to support her. But she didn’t think you would want to come. Why would you, after everything you said to her? But maybe seeing her get married could help you move on. And she admits now that maybe a secret part of her wanted you to break up the wedding.

 

She tells she was pleasantly surprised and equally nervous when you showed up to the wedding. She says it was like she was happily numb on her wedding day. She could tell you were sad, and wanted to cheer you up with a dance. Try to clear the air and maintain the friendship. Instead you left her alone on the dance floor and she tells you that she ran to the bathroom to cry her eyes out. Hearing that she was The One for you, broke something inside her. She says she should have known then, that her marriage was over. She wanted to run after you, but instead she dried her eyes and left with her husband for her honeymoon.

 

By the time she returned, she thought she was fine. She thought she could make everything work. Until she discovered you had up and left Winterfell with no goodbye. She said she was extremely angry and upset, but she understood. Why would you want to stick around? She couldn’t open the envelope you sent for months. Too afraid of what it might contain. Five months passed before she couldn’t take it anymore. When she discovered it was your copy of _The Awakening_ , her marriage was over. She filed for divorce the next day. 

 

She was so afraid to talk to you. She let everyone else do her dirty work, because she was so deathly afraid of what you would say to her. She’s been spending the last year trying to better herself. She’s spent a lot of time thinking of how clueless and cruel she was to you. She can’t imagine how much pain you must have felt watching her get married. How humiliated you must have been. She says she would do anything to make it up to you. She tells you that you inspired her to go after things she really wants. She is finally working at what she loves. She is much closer to her family. But you are the one piece that’s been missing. She wants her friend back. She wants you. She tells you she’s in love with you.

 

You close your eyes because you can’t bear to look at her right now. This is all too much to process. You open your mouth to respond. Words come out. But it’s like you are watching from above. An out-of-body experience. You have no idea what you are saying to her. But from the look on her face it can’t be good. She is sobbing. You realize you have raised your voice to an almost scream. You stop then. She whispers an apology and runs through your door leaving you alone. Dear God, what have you done?

 

*******

 

You're still staring at the door. Everything she said running through your mind. She’s in love with you. She's so sorry she hurt you. She wants her friend back. You inspired her. You deserve so much better than a coward like her. She wants to be with you. She’s had a crush on you for years. She in love with you.

 

Only now do you remember some of the things you said. Bits and pieces are coming back. You told her all of your dark thoughts and feelings you’ve been clinging to. You told her how angry you were. She can never understand the pain she caused you. How dare she try to come back into your life after all this time? Without so much as a phone call. You waited. You’re done. You told her you were seeing someone else. You are happy. She can go to hell. 

 

FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK? WHY DID YOU SAY THAT SHIT? YOU DIDN’T MEAN IT!

 

What the fuck are you doing? She was right there! Saying everything you've been wanting to hear for the last year. And what? You're too proud? You're just going to live your life being lonely to spite her? YOU FUCKING IDIOT! GET THE FUCK UP AND GO FIND HER!

 

You run out the door. You're not sure how much time has passed since she left. She could be in her car long gone. She could be anywhere. And you let her go. Goddammit! You will never forgive yourself if you fucked this up again.

 

You scan the street frantically searching for any sign of her. You catch a flash of copper hair making it's way to the harbor overlook. You run for your life after her. Praying to any god who will listen that you can still salvage this fucked up mess. 

 

You come to a stop when you see her sitting on a bench, hugging herself and crying. She is so beautiful. Everything you ever wanted right there. She hurt you. And now you hurt her. You two are fucking perfect for each other. 

 

You catch your breath and move closer. You say her name softly. She gasps and turns to look at you. Obviously panicked, she moves to get up. You race to her and grip her arms holding her in place. You tell her to look at you. She shakes her head. You cup her face gently and she finally looks into your eyes. You take a deep breath and tell her you are so sorry. You are an idiot. You’ve been holding all those things inside for over a year. You didn’t mean most of them. You can’t believe you almost let her get away. You have been seeing someone, but it means nothing to you. She is everything to you. You’ve been miserable without her. You need her. You can’t live without her. You’re still in love with her.

 

She smiles through her tears and kisses you hard. You both stand there melting into each other for an unknown amount of time. Eventually you both pull back to breathe. Each lightly nipping at the others lips. Almost like you both can’t stand not being connected at the mouth. Sansa looks at you and asks what happens now. You tell her that you honestly have no idea, but that now you have each other. You know that you can get through anything. Everything is fucked up and decisions will have to be made. But for right now, all that can wait. Right now you are wrapped up in each other looking out over the harbor. And it feels like everything is just how it was always supposed to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, this is the end of this. Let's move on to happier times. :)


End file.
